The Table Cloth
by happykid
Summary: Table cloths, coffee, Akabane, oh my! Crackfic involving Natsumi, Paul, Akabane and two ratherly evil table cloths. [fear me, for I am Double Humour!]


Disclaimer: Never owned, never will.

Moi Musings: A little idea I had quite a long time ago, but I just only remembered today, and put it down into a ficlet. Birthday fic for Lil' Sis from your darling Big Sis!

Heheh. On with the story!

* * *

Akabane Kurodo, alias Doctor Jackal. Professional retriever, Infamously Infamous. Sharp, Cold, Smiling. Never hesitating. Lover of Blood. Harbinger of Death. Heartless, Merciless, Fearless.

Or rather, almost fearless. Almost.

It was a normal day, nice and boring and perfectly normal.

Sun shining, Birds singing, Ban and Ginji advertising for jobs.

Yes, it was a nice, boring, normal day.

Akabane had a cup of coffee in hand, the only thing that could match up to a killing spree. Sip, ahhh. Delish. And if handled carefully, there will be no need to clean his coat later. Blood _always_ splattered, no matter how perfect his technique was, or how sharp the scalpels were. Ah well. Thank goodness for coffee.

Natsumi, on the other hand, had a table cloth instead, and was rubbing the counter with vigor. There was that annoying little spot right there, and no matter how she wiped, cleaned and scraped, it stayed there stubbornly. If it had a tongue, it would have probably stuck it out and waggled it triumphantly while chanting "Nyah ha ha, you can't wipe me out, you can't wipe me out." But since it didn't have a tongue OR voice, it was content with staying unwipable. Natsumi sighed, and continued her quest to clean it off.

Now, the spot where Natsumi-chan was cleaning was considerably close to Akabane. **Uncomfortably close**. He coughed slightly to indicate his discomfort, but she was too engrossed in using cleaning fluids in an attempt to remove the stain to hear. He coughed again, since Akabane, being Akabane, acted like Akabane and refused to admit that the table cloth was getting _too-darn-close-for-its-own-good. _

It was at that moment that the tip of the corner of the harmless, slightly-grayish-from-overuse table cloth brushed the tip of the elbow of Akabane's slightly-stained-by-blood coat. He froze.

"Don't touch me with that."

Natsumi looked up in surprise.

"Pardon?"

Akabane glared back in response.

"I said, _don't touch me with that_."

Natsumi blinked.

"You mean this?"

She lifted the table cloth up, dangling in Akabane's face. He stiffened considerably, and hissed, in a much higher voice than usual, "_Put that away!_" Natsumi blinked again. Was she hearing what she was hearing? Was she seeing what she was seeing? It was hard to believe, really, but hey, you never know…right?

Akabane Kurodo, alias Doctor Jackal. Professional retriever, Infamously Infamous. Sharp, Cold, Smiling. Never hesitating. Lover of Blood. Harbinger of Death. Heartless, Merciless, Fearless.

_The_ Akabane Kurodo, was scared of table cloths. That was one heck of a surprise.

Hiding her wide grin, she turned round and headed for the back for more coffee.

Alas, she didn't see the little puddle of water which had mysteriously manifested itself on the floor, so she wasn't expecting herself to slip, fall, and fling back the table cloth by accident. She also didn't expect the table cloth to sail through the air, over the counter and to land, almost perfectly aimed, on Doctor Jackal's hat.

Omeegosh.

With a loud shriek, Akabane whipped out his scalpels and, in a frenzy, shredded the innocent table cloth into a million pieces, the shreds flying all over the café. If you looked hard enough, you could almost picture him as a terrified and disgruntled cat hissing and spitting and clawing at the cloth. And if you looked even harder, you could see him shredding his beloved hat into pieces as well.

Alas, rest in peace, dear table cloth. You will be remembered fondly for your help in discovering Akabane's weakness.

Meanwhile, as the table cloth (and hat) lay in many little pieces on the floor, Akabane was still in the midst of hyperventilating, looking much too horrified for anyone's good, with Natsumi, still slight frazzled from the rush of everything, patting Akabane in an attempt to calm him down.

Suddenly, with a swish of doors, Paul looked in. He blinked. It's not everyday you see your young waitress comforting one of the most notorious murderers in history in your own café. He flashed a questioning glance at Natsumi, but decided wisely against asking what had happened. He simply said:

"Natsumi, the table cloth you needed."

And took the table cloth he was holding in his hand, and flung it at Natsumi. By then, it was too late to see the look of horror on Natsumi's face, and the look of terror in Akabane's eyes. The table cloth landed on Akabane's head.

The hospital states that the three of them should be discharged within a month.

* * *

I'll give you the remains of table cloth Akabane shredded if you review. :)

And once again, Happy Birthday, Lil' Sis! You've officially joined the ranks of Teens! Rejoice! You may never be as great as me, but Rejoice anyway!


End file.
